We are about two years since our sweet boy Keller officially ‘lost’ his autism diagnosis, and somehow even writing those words out seems surreal. Life is the most curious gift and journey. As a woman who literally didn’t know what autism even was and had to GOOGLE it after receiving an autism diagnosis for my son 7 years ago, but now raising a completely neurotypical son years later, it STILL is something that will never shake from my soul. Once you are a special needs mother, once you begin to walk the journey of every single day and moment trying to care for and serve your challenged child, once your eyes are opened to this world and the hardship and the beauty your eyes can never be closed.
Just the other day I was at the beach with my two kids. They were swimming and playing happily deep in the waters, only to return to ask for ice cream. Sitting right near me was a father with two kids a bit younger than mine, an older boy and younger girl. As the afternoon went on I noticed the daughter making a sand castle, eating chips and engaging with her dad, while the son was pacing and talking to himself. He continued these behaviors, seemingly in another world, for a long time, and even when the father tried to engage him the boy continued his own speaking and pacing. Suddenly I KNEW this boy. He had autism.
This cherished boy was on an outing with his dad and sister, and what was a beautiful and fun experience for most children was scary and strange for him. He was pacing and talking to himself to self-soothe and create calm in what must have been excruciating. He was having a brave day, and I wondered if his likely frazzled mother was home sleeping and soaking in some moments of rest. I wondered if his father was stressed and anxious watching his son be stressed and anxious. I wondered if his sister was also fatigued at a life always focused on her brother and if her joy was magnified that day to be doing something ‘normal’ with her dad. I KNOW this boy and I KNOW this family. I have been there. I don’t think I will come to a time where these moments of recognizing autistic behaviors in a child won’t strike me to the core.
Honestly, I hope I NEVER get to a place where it doesn’t shake me deeply.
I am now in the forever family of special needs. We special needs parents understand each other on a level that parents with ‘normal’ children can never understand. I know the fatigue, the stress, the questions, the worry, the pain and the heartbreak. But I also know the raw joy of progress, the gift of angels who come and assist on the journey and the hope that births when new things grow. I am in this forever family and I never want to leave.
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